


There Is Beauty In The Way You Die

by Akiko_chaan



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: A whole lot of angst, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Drama & Romance, Get your tissues ready, M/M, Oneshot, Romance, changki rise, changkyun has a special ability, kikyun, there is a lot of death in this oneshot, this is honestly really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 05:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12698178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_chaan/pseuds/Akiko_chaan
Summary: If Changkyun had a choice, he would wish to never see anyone die again.But he hasn't.And the moment his vision clears and he sees Kihyun smiling at him, he knows he will never be able to let him go for the rest of his time.





	There Is Beauty In The Way You Die

Changkyun is twenty-four when he dies.

"It's strange to start reading a story from the end, don't you think so?"

He always asks Minhyuk that when the other looks at the last pages of his books before actually beginning on the first one. "You already know what's going to happen."

"So you think your life and all you experienced and everything you did won't be worth anything when you die?" Minhyuk laughs. He laughs quite often; it's one of the reasons they are friends. "I doubt that. You should know better."

He turns his head just enough for Changkyun to know what he is looking at.

"Let's just suppose your life ends today. You would still have something to tell, right? Even though you obviously missed the chance to talk to him when you walked in." He shakes his head. "Your story would be a lot more exciting."

Changkyun flinches. His glance darts to the boy sitting a few tables away from them. It's quiet in the library and he fears the other may have heard him.

"Minhyuk!", he whispers nervously. "Stop staring at him!"

___

Changkyun meets Kihyun when he is sixteen.

Minhyuk often likes to claim he is the one who introduced them in the first place. He has a personality full of sunshine, self-confidence and humour, and Changkyun sometimes wishes to be a bit more like him. He especially wishes for that when he meets Kihyun for the first time, an encounter that has in fact not much to do with Minhyuk except for the two of them being in the same activity club. Still, Minhyuk likes to play his role as a matchmaker, although he has never made any matches so far. When Changkyun meets Kihyun, he is almost sure this will become another one of his friend's pitiful attempts.

It isn't like Changkyun doesn't know Kihyun before that. He does. In his opinion, it is impossible not to notice Kihyun. He is like the sun, and Changkyun feels like he is as helpless as the Earth drifting around it.

He feels like that on the first day he sees Kihyun in the hallways. It is just a glance to his right as he is searching for his classroom – as a freshman he doesn't yet possess any knowledge about the school's structure – when a bright laughter and a beautiful face pass his conscience. Beautiful is the only word to describe what is in front of his eyes as the other stops next to his locker, chatting with his friends while trying to enter the code. It is then that Changkyun knows three things: the other boy is older, as he seems to know exactly where to go, he is gorgeous, in a way that seems to slip through his fingertips like silk, and Changkyun is absolutely fucked.

Kihyun is a sophomore at first. Although neither him nor Minhyuk, his childhood friend who transferred schools together with him, know the older boy in the beginning, Changkyun soon finds out his name and age. He has indeed a talent for observing others, a silent skill that for the first time pays him back. He memorizes everything about Kihyun like he is a dry sponge looking for water, and Kihyun a sea.

"So you're into boys", is Minhyuk's first comment about Changkyun' s obsession with Kihyun half a year later. Changkyun is actually surprised Minhyuk was able to hold back for so long. He surely noticed the glances that are directed at Kihyun whenever he passes them in the hallways; but maybe Minhyuk is just too considerate. He does know about Changkyun's problem for as long as Changkyun can remember.

Changkyun shrugs. He doesn't know what to respond; maybe he is into boys. Maybe he is into Kihyun. He has never been one to identify his feelings, and the attraction Kihyun makes him feel confuses him to say the least.

"He is beautiful", he therefore answers. "I can't help it."

"Oh yes, you're definitely into boys." Minhyuk shakes his head. They're sitting in the cafeteria, books open in front of them. They should study, probably, but having the books open at least makes it look like they are trying. "You've been so far into that closet for sixteen years that I'm surprised you aren't as pale as a sheet of paper."

Changkyun rolls his eyes. "There hasn't even been a closet. If I've never fallen in love, how should I know if I like boys or girls?" He grins. "By the way, you don't fall in love with a gender, Minhyukkie."

He uses his nickname just the same way Minhyuk uses his – when they want to sound older than the other, although they share the same birthday. At other times, Minhyuk calls him darling. Changkyun likes it; it makes him feel at home.

"Don't worry, darling", Minhyuk reassures him, and Changkyun can see in his eyes he wants to say: _I'm going to make you come together as a couple for the sake of my reputation as a match-maker._ He doesn't say it out loud, because he knows what Changkyun would respond. Changkyun almost always responds the same. The answer stays when everything else changes.

No matter how much Changkyun changes over the years, Minhyuk never does. Whether it's in kindergarten, elementary school, their freshman year when Kihyun passes Changkyun in the hallways, said lunch break half a year later or when they themselves are sophomores after another six months, and Minhyuk is once again trying to read the end of his book before looking at the beginning. Changkyun doesn't say anything; he is too occupied trying to observe Kihyun from afar, who doesn't seem to have noticed Minhyuk's remark. Thank god.

Of course, Minhyuk is right. He almost always is. Especially about things concerning Kihyun's and Changkyun's relationship. Or rather, their non-existent relationship. He is right in everything, and especially in his comment about Changkyun's chance. When they entered the library, Kihyun was standing at the door, putting up a poster for art class. It's about some exhibition. Minhyuk told Changkyun about it last week, and he definitely plans to go there, if only to see Kihyun's work.

It would've been the perfect moment to speak to him. A quick hello, a smile. But Changkyun is too shy. Maybe he also doesn't want to – his heart wants to, but the rational part of his brain says no. Kihyun knows his name, he sure does because Minhyuk told him they talk a lot about the other students, but does he really remember his face?

Changkyun knows Kihyun doesn't look at him the same way he looks at Kihyun, but he still hopes that one day, the other will.

"So?", Changkyun asks, turning around on his chair and looking at Minhyuk. "Does he die at the end of the story?"

___

Changkyun is seventeen when he sees Kihyun's death for the first time.

The art exhibition is taking place on a Friday afternoon. Minhyuk offered him to come earlier, right after school, so that Changkyun wouldn't have to take the bus alone, but he refused. To be honest, he is too nervous to see Kihyun without being mentally prepared, and besides, he looks horrible and needs to shower. There is no way he is going to meet Kihyun like that. For the slim chance he actually gets noticed, he wants to make a good impression. He'll never be a sun like Kihyun, because there can only be one in the universe, but he would be content if Kihyun just once noticed him as a faint star in the night sky.

Changkyun doesn't specifically like crowds, if there is anyone who does. So many people mean he has to pay more attention, and the only thing he wants to pay attention to is the boy standing in front of one of his art pieces. Changkyun can't help but look at it as he comes closer, mesmerized by the colours. It's something abstract, but at the same time, it looks like a body.

He flinches when Minhyuk calls his name right next to his ear. Turning around, he sees the other one smiling. It makes him feel warm inside.

"Do you want to look at my pieces?", he asks and Changkyun eagerly nods. There is nothing Minhyuk is more proud of than his art, and that is absolutely justified. Whatever he touches becomes art.

"I drew something that was inspired by the book I read last week", Minhyuk tells him as they walk through the crowd. Teachers, students and parents are looking at the artworks, talking to each other and trying to interpret something only the artist will ever know. Changkyun is glad he has Minhyuk as a friend, because he tells him exactly what he thought about when painting.

"What is it about?" Changkyun tilts his head; the picture in front of his eyes is mostly black, but there are some yellow and red streaks leading to something that looks like splatters of white paint. Minhyuk likes expressionism. Changkyun has given up a long time ago on figuring out what his art actually means.

"He died at the end", Minhyuk explains. "After finishing the novel, I thought a lot about death. If you know he dies before reading it, you interpret a lot more into his motives than you do without knowing it. I tried to imagine what death looks like. Am I close?"

Changkyun doesn't respond for a while. Minhyuk doesn't mean to be insensitive; they know each other for as long as he can think and they have shared every secret. It's more of a joke between them, even though sometimes Changkyun doesn't exactly laugh. Minhyuk knows Changkyun doesn't like talking about death, and that he will never understand how Minhyuk can spoil the end of his books like that.

If Changkyun had a choice, he would wish to never see anyone die again.

But he hasn't.

"It looks good", he therefore responds, not going deeper into the topic. His heart is pulling him somewhere else, an invisible string attached to it. Whenever he is reminded about death, he feels the urge to run away. "I will look around a bit, okay?"

Kihyun is standing in a corner next to his art. He is looking at his phone, giving Changkyun every opportunity to stare at him. He would do all day if he could. Just everything about him attracts Changkyun – the way he taps with his foot against the floor, the way his hair moves as he lowers his head, even the move when he puts his phone in his pocket and – oh no. He is looking up now. At Changkyun's face.

He isn't even good at hiding emotions, so he blushes the second Kihyun's glance meets his. He tries to take a step forward, turning his head to look at his painting up close. Maybe he can make it look like he was focused on it all along. Maybe he doesn't want to.

"Hey." It's the first word Kihyun ever says to Changkyun, and he feels like falling down from somewhere high. His stomach is turning, and all he wants to do is touch Kihyun. For someone who never touches anyone, who pays attention to not even come close to anyone, the desire to pull Kihyun into his arms is overwhelming. He is drowning.

"Changkyun, right?" Changkyun doesn't know what he expected. He has hoped for Kihyun to know his name, but now that it has rolled of his tongue, every word in his vocabulary is deleted. He just nods; Kihyun smiles. It has been a year since Changkyun first saw him in the hallway but at this moment, it feels like it has happened a moment ago.

"Kihyun", is the only thing he manages to say, and he tries to smile. Kihyun grins even wider and Changkyun swears he is seeing an angel.

"You're a friend of Minhyuk if I remember clearly", he tries to begin a conversation and Changkyun presses his lips together in order to focus. Small talk isn't his strength, has never been. "Did you already see his pieces?"

"Y-Yeah." He tries to hold his voice steady. "They are beautiful." And before he can stop himself, he adds: "Yours are, too."

"Oh." Changkyun doesn't know if Kihyun blushes, but it seems like it. "Thank you. That's a really kind thing to say. Do you like art?"

Changkyun quickly nods. "I do." It is the truth, but he is terribly bad at it. He would've maybe joined the art club if it wasn't for his missing talent. On the other hand, he has always tried to stay in a safe distance to Kihyun. Only now that that distance has been broken, he notices how much he actually longs for the other's attention.

"You can come by next week and we can do something together." Kihyun seems so happy about it that Changkyun's heart begins to beat faster. "Minhyuk has told me a lot about you. Don't worry, nothing too personal."

Changkyun nods, shyly. Seeing Kihyun smile from afar made his heart stop, but up close when Changkyun can see even the tiny gaps between his front teeth, he doesn't feel like he can breathe at all. Kihyun doesn't seem to notice; if he does, he doesn't let it show. "Are you ill?", he suddenly asks with a worried expression on his face and Changkyun furrows his eyebrows.

"N-no ...", he manages to answer and Kihyun points at the gloves on his hands. Even though he had to leave his jacket at the entrance, he paid attention to his gloves; wearing them takes a bit of the anxiousness away.

But with Kihyun looking at him like this, somehow worried and somehow curious, he forgets all of his precautions. His fingers tug on the fabric as he hastily takes them off. He feels naked without them. But he feels naked in front of Kihyun either way.

"Sorry, I ..." Kihyun seems to want to say something, but he doesn't. Instead, he asks: "Do you want to walk around a bit?"

Changkyun often dreamt about Kihyun asking him things like these. He imagined giving back answers that sounded right, that sounded like he had thought about them, but right now, everything that leaves his mouth is a weird noise between breathing and humming. Kihyun seems to understand nonetheless. He smiles.

Changkyun returns the expression, but sadly, it doesn't last on his face for too long; Kihyun is making a step forward, not even as close to Changkyun as he would have to be for him to become alarmed, but close enough for Changkyun to notice his own, now naked, unprotected hand right next to Kihyun, and he takes a step back; not only one, but two, because he stumbles and the next thing he knows is how his back meets one of the paintings behind him.

There is a loud noise, a pain in his forehead and some other voices. He's sitting on the floor, the painting on his shoulders.

"Oh god, are you okay?", Kihyun asks and even though his head hurts Changkyun feels warm at the concern in his voice. He tries to respond quickly as Kihyun takes the painting off his body and puts it onto the wall again, looking around; more than a few people are staring at them. He wants to disappear.

Kihyun doesn't let him. "Come with me", he instead says and without thinking about it, Changkyun follows him. He wants to leave the others behind him, and all that is in his mind is that hopefully, for the sake of all he loves, Kihyun doesn't think he stumbled backwards because he was afraid of Kihyun touching him.

In fact, he is afraid of Kihyun touching him. But for all the wrong reasons.

Kihyun hands him a tissue with cold water in the bathroom, and Changkyun is careful not to let their fingers touch. Only as he looks into the mirror, he notices he bleeds a little out of a tiny wound on his forehead.

"I hope you don't think I mean bad luck now", Kihyun tries to joke and Changkyun can only stare at him in the mirror. He somehow wishes Kihyun would know everything he thought about him; the urge to be vulnerable in front of the boy next to him is suffocating. Changkyun doesn't know how to deal with it. He doesn't know how to deal with anything. Just as Minhyuk doesn't change, his confusion over the last year didn't change either.

But it isn't too late. He can still leave. He hasn't touched Kihyun yet, he hasn't seen it yet, he can leave and never come back and –

And then, Kihyun reaches forward and brushes a strand of hair out of his face that has covered his cut, and his fingers meet Changkyun's skin right above his temple.

Changkyun sees a lot. He never becomes used to it, he dares to guess he never will. He has seen a lot of blood, a lot of pain, a lot of loss in his life, and yet, as he sees Kihyun dying in front of his eyes, he almost feels like dying himself.

And the moment his vision clears and he sees Kihyun smiling at him, he knows he will never be able to let him go for the rest of his time.

__

Changkyun is six when he discovers he sees someone's death if he touches them.

Minhyuk is sure Changkyun has been able to do that since he was born, but looking back, all of his memories before that time are blurred, incoherent like bread crumbs. As a child, death is as important to you as taxes or doing laundry - you might have heard of it, but you have no idea what it actually means.

Changkyun discovers early in his opinion, he discovers what he would've preferred to stay hidden forever. But the key to the door isn't in his hands. The first death he sees is the one of his mother, or maybe of his father, he doesn't remember clearly. In a mixture of childhood impressions and other visions, the pictures melt into one another after some time.

At six years, Changkyun likes touching people. He likes his parents, and so he always clings onto them. There is skin on skin and Changkyun never spends a second thought about the pictures that flash in front of his eyes when he reaches for his mother's hand. He doesn't think about it until he meets Minhyuk, a little boy in kindergarten who is way too loud. He likes to play catch, and they spend afternoons running through the garden behind the house, until his fingertips meet Minhyuk's wrist.

"Mom?", he asks later, when she is tucking him into bed. "Why do I see this with Minhyuk, too?"

"Minhyuk? What do you see?" His mother doesn't pay too much attention to his words. She is very caring and lovely, but Changkyun is too old for imagining stuff in her opinion. "Did you play today?"

"I thought I only saw this for you and dad", Changkyun continues, tilting his head so his bangs fall over his forehead. "But I also see it with Minhyuk! There was a lot of red colour on the street. And a car. Just like what I see with you and daddy."

It takes his parents a while to figure out what he is actually talking about. When they do, he begins to spend several afternoons every week in the clinic of a doctor whose name he can't remember. He doesn't know what all of them are talking about, why they are so shocked about what he tells them.

It isn't normal for a six year old child to describe a dead body so accurately he even remembers where exactly the splatters of blood were decorating Minhyuk's face, but for Changkyun, it seems normal. He has never seen anything different when he touches people.

He stops telling them about what he sees. He does because he hates his doctor, the white tiles on the floor and the blinding light in the clinic. Maybe they believe it is just a phase, maybe they just want to believe it. Changkyun never finds out.

He never understands why his parents look at him with such horror when he tells them about how he sees them laying on the asphalt of a highway, with beautifully red coloured clothes and hair swaying in the wind. He is too young to understand; he only does a few years later, when he is with his grandma and her phone rings. It is a very annoying sound, and what happens after makes sure Changkyun will never forget it.

His grandma doesn't describe him what they looked like when the car hit them, but Changkyun doesn't need to know. He saw it every time their skin met his, and after that day, when there is no skin to touch, his nightmares remind him of the picture.

With Minhyuk, it is different. He sees a lot of different deaths when he touches Minhyuk. It is different than what he saw with his parents, who only ever beared one picture, and it is different with his grandma, whose pictures are changing when he starts living with her, but soon stop at one half a year later.

"I'm going out to buy groceries", his grandma tells him when he scrolls through the tv channels. Nothing interesting. There isn't a lot that interests him these days. "Do you want to come with me?"

He shakes his head. He doesn't like to see other people. School is enough for him, and there, the only one who talks with him is Minhyuk, ever since the other children found out what happened with his parents. His grandma just nods, smiling slightly. He never knows what she thinks, but as his glance falls onto her hands around the strap of the bag, he swallows.

"Granny?", he asks, voice quiet. "You are going to come back, right?"

His grandma smiles, this time a little bit brighter, and nods once again. "Of course, honey", she reassures him, waving at him as she takes a step towards the door. Changkyun feels a knot in his chest, thinking about what he has seen for two months now. When he touches her, there is always that bag, that red bag that just won't leave his mind. He feels like crying, although he doesn't know why. "Of course I am going to come back, Changkyun."

She doesn't come back.

Minhyuk holds him all night long, after the police has called his parents because they are the only ones whose phone number they could find in the living room. Even if Changkyun would be able to speak, but he isn't, because he is sobbing and screaming, there would be no one else to contact. His parents are dead. His grandma is, too. Changkyun wants to die.

He doesn't. Minhyuk won't let him. It is the start of their friendship, as Minhyuk feeds him hot soup when Changkyun stays in bed for days and weeks. Whenever Minhyuk comes near him, Changkyun screams and stumbles backwards; he doesn't want to touch Minhyuk. He doesn't want to touch anyone ever again. He thinks the deaths are his fault, because he touched them.

He can't remember after how many months he lets Minhyuk sleep in the bed next to him, when he feels so lonely he just can't hold it up. Minhyuk is caring and warm, but he is also incredibly curious, and so he reaches out for Changkyun's hand in his sleep. His parents drag him out of the room as Changkyun won't stop screaming.

Whatever Minhyuk's intentions are, he manages to change Changkyun's behaviour, little by little. It takes a lot of time and trust, but at one point, Changkyun opens up to him. It is night and they are sitting in their pajamas on the floor, and surprisingly Minhyuk seems a lot less intimitated by what Changkyun describes him than Changkyun himself. He has never been afraid of his visions, but now that he has seen what follows them, he never wants to experience them again.

He doesn't know how Minhyuk manages to do it, or how it all takes place exactly, because the months following his grandma's death are very blurry in his memory, but Minhyuk gives him back his will to live. His curiousness makes him ask himself questions he hasn't thought about yet or just ignored out of fear - but there isn't any way to avoid them.

"Touch me", Minhyuk tells him every evening when they sit on their beds. Changkyun has moved in with him, because there is no one else to take care of him. When he hears Minhyuk's words for the first time, he flinches, shaking his head with determination in his eyes.

When he hears them for the hundredth time, he doesn't hesitate to reach out and touch Minhyuk's hand. There is a flash of colours, lights and sounds, and then, he sees Minhyuk's face again. He is smiling. "Tell me", he says. "How do I die today?"

Minhyuk makes him understand there is no way around confronting it. Whereever his strange ability may come from, there is no way he is never going to touch another person ever again. Minhyuk is curious and wants to figure out how things work, and so they do. Minhyuk makes Changkyun feel like it isn't his fault.

"You didn't drive the car, did you?", Minhyuk tells him every time he sees sadness in his eyes. "You saw it when you touched them, so you saw a piece of their future. That doesn't mean you can actually change it. We will figure it out, okay?"

They somehow do, and although it is very painful for Changkyun at first, he becomes used to touching people again, if only for the sake of his investigation. Minhyuk always makes sure to be with him when he lets the back of his hand graze a stranger's on the street or when he touches the other kids at school. He convinces Changkyun to tell him what he sees, and Changkyun notices Minhyuk is a lot smarter than him.

"You can see the death of whoever you touch", Minhyuk explains him one evening. He has his notebook laid out in front of him, and Changkyun can see that almost all of the pages are full of his handwriting. Minhyuk loves mysteries, but what he loves even more is unravelling them.

"There are two different kinds of people", Minhyuk continues, and Changkyun can only stare at him in awe. "There are the ones who change their death constantly, like me, and there are others who always have the same death. It isn't a fixed thing, like the week you saw me drowning and then on the eighth day it was a robbery when I was much older. It can change, depending on what happens."

He scribbled another sentence down. "You can't influence it. We already checked that. No matter what you do, the visions don't change. If someone dies through a knife and we throw out, the vision doesn't change because of that. Outer influences will always control it. They only change when the one you see in your visions decides to change something, but it has to be their decision, solely based on their opinion."

"That doesn't make sense", Changkyun responds. "If my decisions aren't able to change their future, why should theirs? It all depends on each other."

Minhyuk shrugs. "It is the only explanation I have. Nothing of this makes sense, to be honest." He sighs. "Okay, wait, let me continue. Basically, someone whose death doesn't change for a long time will most likely die in that way. And someone who changes their death constantly, has a higher chance not to die because of what you see, considering it isn't like five minutes in the future."

Changkyun's head is throbbing. He doesn't want to think about death. "I'll never touch someone ever again."

Minhyuk looks up, surprised. "What? Of course you will. Don't say something like that."

"I don't want to see anybody die anymore", Changkyun insists. His knuckles are turning white from how hard he clenches the blanket between his fingers.

"But it isn't your fault", Minhyuk reassures him. "You can't change the death. You can try to look out for them, maybe, I don't know, but it won't be your decision."

"Then why do I even see this?" Changkyun is tearing up and he can't do anything about it.

"I don't know either." Minhyuk leans back on the mattress. "Maybe there is something we don't yet know."

"Whatever it may be, I still don't want to touch anyone."

Minhyuk's expression softens. "Some day you will."

Changkyun doesn't touch Minhyuk every night anymore to tell him how he dies every time. He doesn't touch strangers on the street anymore. He starts to wear gloves and pays attention to people coming close to him.

Only sometimes, when Minhyuk is asleep, he reaches over, a sudden urge forcing him to touch Minhyuk's wrist; and whenever he sees a different death than the day before, he feels hope Minhyuk will stay with him for a long time, even though the pictures in front of his eyes make his heart ache and his stomach want to throw up.

___

Changkyun is eighteen when he tastes Kihyun's lips on his for the first time.

Kihyun insists to walk him home after that miserably failed encounter at the art exhibition, and Changkyun tries to smile when they say goodbye at the door. His phone in which Kihyun has typed his number is burning in the pocket of his trousers, and when he sits down at the kitchen table after he has watched Kihyun walk away through the window, he stares at it as if it will give him an answer to his problems. It doesn't.

Kihyun has a lot of friends. Changkyun doesn't. He is used to it; ever since he has started wearing gloves in elementary school, other children and now teenagers have been avoiding him like the plague. Minhyuk tried to defend him at first, and then continued to do it when Changkyun wasn't listening, because he doesn't like to see Minhyuk getting into trouble for him.

Kihyun is the opposite. Everyone likes him. He helps younger students and takes care of their problems, and Changkyun can only stare at him whenever he sees him talking with passion about how he loves to see their smiling faces. Even though Changkyun and Minhyuk are everything but good company in the eyes of others, Kihyun spends a lot of time with them.

With both of them at first; as Minhyuk claims, to make it less obvious he wants to rip Changkyun's shirt off his body, and then after a while even more with Changkyun alone. It makes him nervous but happy at the same time. He isn't used to anyone being interested in how is day went, or how he is doing, and he can feel himself getting more attached to Kihyun with every day. He is just grateful for whatever force has made the painting fall on his head at the beginning of the schoolyear.

But he doesn't forget. He doesn't forget the way he saw Kihyun die in front of his eyes, his body gasping for air as there was blood seeping through his shirt. It is a very blurred picture, so he can't tell how old Kihyun will be if this becomes his future. In some pictures, he sees the face, in some just the body, in some even the surroundings. He hates everything.

Minhyuk is almost always right, and he is even right with what he said ten years ago. Some day, there will be someone Changkyun wants to touch, and Changkyun knows it is Kihyun. There are two different reasons his fingers ache to reach for his hand, and he isn't sure which one scares him more. 

He wants to touch Kihyun, because his skin looks so soft, the way he laughs sounds so bright and the words he says to Changkyun flow like music. He wants to touch him because he feels like he will stop breathing if he doesn't soon enough. It is a selfish thought, indeed. The other thought isn't better though; he knows he can't really change someone's future, and yet, he still wants to touch Kihyun to make sure his death changes. A changing death means life in Changkyun's eyes, and even though his lips haven't yet brushed Kihyun's, the thought of it ending makes his throat dry.

He is hopelessly in love with everything about Kihyun. When the other tells him that if the reason he is always hiding his hands beneath the table are his gloves, he doesn't have to keep doing that because Kihyun is okay with everything that makes him comfortable, Changkyun melts under his glance. He melts with everything Kihyun does.

"It is your birthday tomorrow, right?", Kihyun asks him as they are walking home. Normally, Changkyun would walk with Minhyuk; it makes sense, since they are still living together. But Minhyuk has an extra class, which is basically a different expression for the fact he is going to wait in school, maybe sleep half an hour, just to give the two of them the chance to be alone. He is an angel.

Changkyun nods. His hand aches to reach out for Kihyun's. He hasn't touched him since a few weeks ago at the exhibition. Kihyun isn't as touchy as Minhyuk is with other people, but he has a way of laying his arm around someone's shoulders that makes Changkyun's throat dry. He never does that with Changkyun. It makes him feel a weight on his chest.

Normally, he would be more than grateful for held-back skinship. With Kihyun, it's different. Did he notice how Changkyun flinched a few weeks ago? He wants to be considerate, maybe. He has found out about Changkyun's feelings, probably. Changkyun starts to think about a way to move to a different solar system.

"Do you have something planned?", Kihyun asks. His bag next to his waist is swinging from left to right. "We could do something together if you don't ... I mean if you already meet someone else, it's no problem, I just ..." He scratches his neck; it's unbelievably adorable.

Changkyun smiles. "Sure. I'd love to hang out with you, hyung." Somehow he has hoped for Kihyun to ask him. In every other situation he'd be worried for Minhyuk, who is especially possessive on their shared birthday as they have been spending it together since the beginning of time. But considering Minhyuk wants them to become a couple like no one else (he even drew fanart of them once and Changkyun blushed and gave him a slap on the shoulder), there shouldn't be a problem.

Kihyun's eyes widen just a little bit. Maybe it's the nickname. He seems to search for an answer, but doesn't find any. Before he can open his mouth, Changkyun has already pulled him to the left, careful only to touch the cloth of his jacket, beneath the roof of the little bus stop they are passing. It has started to rain, heavy drops falling down from the sky.

The bus stop is so small Kihyun is almost pressed up to his body, just a few millimeters and several layers of clothes separating them. Kihyun laughs as he extends his arm to feel the raindrops on his skin.

Changkyun has always loved the rain, but right now, he dislikes it. He is jealous of the rain that touches Kihyun's skin, because it's closer to him than his hands have ever been.

"Do you want to come to the art classroom after school tomorrow?" Kihyun seems to have found his words again. His eyes light up the dark world around them. "We can do whatever you want, go somewhere or do something fun."

Changkyun can't tell him he doesn't really care about anything else than his sole presence. "Okay." 

That evening, Changkyun is pressing his pillow against his ears as he curls together on their mattresses on the floor, trying not to let Minhyuk stomp on his body; the other is walking around the room like he is being chased by some invisible figure behind him. Thankfully, Changkyun manages to roll to the right before Minhyuk's feet meets his knee.

"I can't believe it", Minhyuk says - Changkyun doesn't know to whom exactly. Sometimes Minhyuk talks to himself, and he has been repeating the same ten sentences for half an hour now. "That is the best birthday present ever. Oh god, you just have to get together! He totally likes you, Changkyun! Open your damn eyes, for fuck's sake!"

He is gesturing widely with his arms. "Minhyuk ...", Changkyun begins, because he is afraid the other will break the lamp or hurt himself, but there is no way to interrupt Minhyuk in such a situation.

"Let me summarize", Minhyuk demands. "In the last five weeks, he spent almost all of his lunch breaks with you, he walks you home, he bought you icecream, you went to the movies together and I already thought you would finally make out, but no. Okay, I'm okay, but now the time has come. Changkyun!", he suddenly exclaims and Changkyun flinches. "Let me see your lips. Are they chapped? God, sometimes I think you're incapable of living, use my chapstick ..."

"I should've known your reaction", Changkyun laughs. He sits up and hugs the pillow in his arms. "Can you calm down and not be so nervous? I'm dying of nervousness so I'd need a bit of reassurance, you know?" He smiles awkwardly, raising his eyebrows and falls back down on the mattress, the only noise audible a loud sigh from below the blankets.

"Darling", Minhyuk says, expression softening. He sits down next to him, patting his arm, the only body part that is visible from beneath the blankets. "Trust me. I have a feeling for things like these. He likes you. He likes you more than I like pizza."

Changkyun raises the blanket and looks at Minhyuk. "You really like pizza."

Now it is Minhyuk's turn to raise his eyebrows. "See?"

"Will you buy me pizza if he rejects me?", Changkyun asks, but he doesn't get any coherent response out of Minhyuk, who spends the next hour screaming: "Does that mean you're gonna confess?!"

Needless to say, Changkyun doesn't sleep a lot that night. As Minhyuk finally stops talking, he stares up at the ceiling, clunching the blanket in his hands and feeling the cloth beneath his fingertips. He can't help but wonder what Kihyun's hair would feel like, holding his hands or his breath on his lips. He has fallen deep, and he has no idea how to get up.

It's a cold winter day the next morning, but the cold isn't the only thing distracting Changkyun from focusing in class. His hands are sweaty and his stomach is turning when he finally stands in front of the art classroom. Minhyuk had a later class than him, and when they met during math, he put a chapstick in gift wrapper on the table. Changkyun couldn't help but laugh.

He wants to kiss Kihyun, has wanted to ever since he has known him. But wanting and doing are worlds apart, and between those worlds, there is an endless universe of unknown things. He waits in front of the classroom; after a few minutes he is already about to take that damn chapstick out of his bag just to ease the nervousness in the pit of his stomach, but Kihyun interrupts his intentions.

"Happy birthday!", he suddenly hears a voice besides him and turns around. Kihyun is running towards him, his hair bouncing up and down, and Changkyun feels a knot form in his chest. And then, Kihyun is standing in front of him, and Changkyun notices how his arms tense as if he wanted to move them but stopped in the last second. "Happy birthday, Changkyunnie."

Changkyun is sure he is going to die out of suffocation, because he just doesn't seem to be able to breathe around Kihyun. He stands in the middle of the room, awkwardly, before sitting down on the table next to him. Kihyun has vanished to somewhere behind the teacher's desk, where the artworks are stored, and when he comes back, he carries a rather large canvas with him, that is covered with a white piece of cloth.

"We had to do a project for school", Kihyun says, and Changkyun notices the trembling of his voice. "It was about feelings. And ... I .... I just wanted to show you."

"Sure." Changkyun feels like something is going to happen but he doesn't dare to pinpoint it. Kihyun seems like he's going to let the canvas drop any second, so Changkyun quickly helps him to place it on the table. When he pulls the fabric away, there is an explosion of colours; red, yellow, blue, splatters of pink and orange on white ground. They form a lot of patterns, but still, it seems like every colour exists by itself.

"It looks beautiful", Changkyun manages to stutter, pressing his knee against the side of the table because the urge to touch Kihyun is so overwhelming he can feel it in every fiber of his body.

"It's about you", Kihyun says, his voice so loud in the quiet classroom, and Changkyun feels like falling. "I could only think about you whenever I was drawing during the last few weeks, and I thought it would get better if I put it down somewhere. But it didn't go away. And I'm glad it didn't."

Changkyun stares at him. Kihyun looks up, his eyes locking with Changkyun's. "I like you, Changkyun. I really like you. Everything about you, honestly."

Something is breaking inside of him, constantly. He wants to say something; he opens his mouth. He can't. Where did his words go; they are gone.

"Minhyuk told me you don't really like to touch anyone ...", Kihyun continues. He is talking faster now, like he wants to get the words off his chest before Changkyun can interrupt him. ""I still ... I just have to ask. I ... I really want to ask you."

He unconsciously bites down on his lip, and Changkyun swears he is melting. "Can I kiss you?"

The world stops for a second, like it has never done before. Changkyun always sees - even when he closes his eyes, there are pictures moving in front of them. Yet, Kihyun makes the time freeze, even if it's just for a moment, a split second in which Changkyun's world turns around.

He would have never thought that one day, he wasn't going to care for what he sees when he touches someone, because it is worth the price. But Kihyun is worth everything in just a split second, and when he takes a step forward, and another one, because he can't seem to stop now, Kihyun's hand is already reaching for his neck.

His lips touch Changkyun's before his fingers touch his neck, but the sweetness of his kiss, the fragrance of his skin and the softness of Kihyun's mouth moving against his makes every pictures in front of his eyes unimportant. Still, he doesn't fail to notice it is a different one this time, and when Kihyun pulls away slowly, his forehead resting against Changkyun's, a sigh slips past his lips. Kihyun smiles, a relieved laugh escaping him.

Changkyun clings onto his shoulders as he pulls him closer again.

"He was right", he whispers next to Kihyun's ear as his arms around his waist make him shiver. "I don't really like touching people. But I like touching you."

___

Changkyun is twenty when he first sees a time in someone's death.

Minhyuk smiles at him as he waves in front of the camera of his computer, before he ends the video call. The computer lab is quiet, but in a few minutes, students are going to come in. He uses the time to check the messages on his phone. He can't help but smile as he reads the one Kihyun has send him.

_I'll be back later tonight! Completely forgot about my presentation ... I made you food. It's in the fridge; don't forget to eat! ^.^_

Ever since they have moved in together three months ago, Kihyun is taking care of his eating and sleeping schedule. Even during the first week he noticed how many bad habits Changkyun really has; going to bed far after midnight or meals consisting solely out of chips. They are all habits Changkyun has gotten used to by living together with Minhyuk for more than ten years, but Kihyun is working hard to get him used to a healthy lifestyle. It's adorable, really. Everything about Kihyun is adorable, if Changkyun is honest.

Minhyuk almost had a mental breakdown when Changkyun announced he would go to the same university as Kihyun, and even now, he looks like he is suffering when Changkyun mentions their relationship. He can't say he doesn't understand Minhyuk, though - he would think he'd be used to it by now, but whenever he awakes in the middle of the night or the dawn of sunrise, the light illuminating Kihyun's sleeping face next to him like a halo, his body aches in the strangest places. He doesn't think he's ever going to get used to loving Kihyun.

He quickly types an answer, as students are already entering the classroom. Heejin waves at him from afar, and as she slides onto the chair next to him, he feels his chest beginning to hurt.

"Good morning", she smiles at him, turning her computer on. She is a math major, just like him, and somehow they have become really good friends during the last few months. But the one thing that is really sweet about her is the one thing that makes him feel bad. She has a habit of touching people a lot, and in computer class, there is no way he can type with his gloves on. Today, as she lays her hand on his, leaning forward to tell him some gossip about their teacher, Changkyun doesn't see the corners of her mouth raise. He sees something very different.

"Really?", he asks even though he hasn't understood anything she has just said to him. He has had the same vision about Heejin for almost three weeks now, and it makes him feel anxious, to say the least. He knows what lasting visions mean, but what can he do about it; there is no way he would ever tell anyone.

It is a curse. Changkyun has known it for a long time, but ever since there is someone who is constantly touching him, he is sure of it.

He needed some time to understand he would always see the death of the person he loved most when he got together with Kihyun. Even now, he isn't used to it; he doesn't think he will ever get used to the way Kihyun dies in front of his eyes every time their fingers brush. It is a different scene every day, but that doesn't change the pain in Changkyun's chest when he wakes up in the middle of his night, holding back to not cry out Kihyun's name. His hands search for Kihyun's on the blanket, and when his arms wrap around his waist, Kihyun's breath on his neck, he almost feels like crying.

"Are you okay?", Kihyun often asks him when he wakes up because of Changkyun's movement, and most of the time, Changkyun kisses him instead of giving an answer. He is never okay with it, but kissing Kihyun makes him remember why it is worth to never sleep more than half an hour without seeing something. It is one of his reasons why he has sleeping problems; but Kihyun might never know.

Heejin doesn't touch him for the rest of the class, and he couldn't be more grateful. He is caught in his thoughts, the thoughts that just won't go away. It is a vicious circle - the only way to stop the pain he feels whenever he touches Kihyun would be to stop doing it, but besides the point he would never be able to survive without it, this would only lead to more worries. Not touching Kihyun means not knowing if the pictures change or not. It would kill him.

Changkyun knew he would never be able to forget him when he touched him in the bathroom three years ago, and he doesn't want to anymore.

Math has always been his favorite subject because it distracts him from what he dislikes most, thinking about things he can't change. Today, too, the class manages to take his thoughts off certain worries, at least until it is over and Heejin leans over to say goodbye. Her skin grazes his and then, it hits him like a lighting.

There are colours, pictures and sounds all around him, screams and ice and snow and blood. It is one of the visions in which he can see the surroundings; there is a street, a car and people. It has to be one of the more busy places, in the city; there are a lot of advertisements on the tv screens and on one of them, the daily news are running. Changkyun catches a glimpse of the date and time, and when he is dragged out of the picture as if someone pulls him back by his shirt, he gasps for air.

"Heejin!", he calls out as she is already leaving. She turns around, a surprised look on her face. "Don't ... don't drive tomorrow, okay?" His voice is trembling. "Don't drive. It will snow."

He doesn't know why he tells her. Because he wants to save her, of course. But there is no way he can. Minhyuk and him have tested it all years ago, to tell people to be careful and not do certain things, but there is no way they can change the destiny. If he tells her not to drive, even if he tells her about her death, she will still somehow end up in this car if she doesn't do something, something Changkyun still doesn't know what it is because death makes no sense. He has never been able to get behind what rules there actually are for his visions, but he knows this much.

He holds Kihyun close that night, as his skin burns. Outside, it has started snowing. He has to think about the time he saw for Heejin, and he presses his eyes together and sighs. Kihyun pulls him closer, his hand carressing Changkyun's side.

"Did you eat the food I made you?", Kihyun asks him as he yawns. He is in second year now, and for an art major that means even more assignments he has to stay in the classrooms for until the late evening. He has just come out of the shower, and Changkyun can feel Kihyun's damp hair against his cheek.

"Sure", he answers. "It was delicious."

"You need to take more care of yourself", Kihyun responds, and his fingers are running through Changkyun's hair. "You wake up so often at night. Is there something that's bothering you?"

Changkyun can see Kihyun clearly, even in the darkness of the room, and he feels so much love he thinks he is going to combust. He wonders if Kihyun would believe him if he told him, but there is no way he is ever going to find out.

"I just love you", Changkyun responds and he can see in Kihyun's eyes that he expected a lot of things as an answer, but not this. "I think a lot about you. Even at night."

Kihyun's hand wanders to the back of his neck, and Changkyun shivers. He can see that Kihyun wants to say something, but he can't put it into words. It is one of the things Changkyun loves so much about him. Kihyun is bad with words, and it's adorable to see him trying when both of them know Kihyun would need a canvas and paint to truly show what he wants to express. Changkyun has to think of the painting Kihyun drew for him when he first kissed him, the one that is hanging over the dresser in the bedroom, and he smiles as Kihyun kisses him another time.

"I love you, too, Changkyunnie", Kihyun whispers. His breath is hot against Changkyun's skin, and he can't help but think that Kihyun is the sun; he deserves the whole universe and Changkyun is only a star in the sky.

Heejin doesn't die that night. Still, Changkyun feels a sharp pain in his chest as he sees her crying so hard she has to leave the class only a few minutes after it started.

He is relieved, but he doesn't quite understand why his vision didn't become reality. Later, he discovers one of her best friends died in a car crash she was involved in, at approximately the same time he saw when he touched her, but he is too happy to see her alive to care about that for the moment being. He is so happy to see her alive and not dead as he expected, that he doesn't question what happened, not even when her tears have dried and everyone has already forgotten about it - including himself.

___

Changkyun is twenty-two when for the first time, Kihyun's death doesn't change.

He is sitting on Minhyuk's bed, a bowl of crackers on his lap as Minhyuk is spread over the mattress, searching for music on his phone. He is kind of happy Minhyuk decided to study in their hometown instead of two hours away like he did. That way, he can always see Minhyuk's parents and Minhyuk himself at the same time when he visits. Over the time of their childhood, they have become his family, even though he would never forget his own parents.

"Everything's okay?", Minhyuk asks. Changkyun is quiet today, quieter than usually. If Minhyuk wasn't Minhyuk, Changkyun would worry he might think it is because of some horrible picture he has seen when touching him. But Minhyuk is Minhyuk, and growing up with Changkyun and so much death, he isn't afraid about it anymore. Besides, they have stopped talking about the things Changkyun sees when touching Minhyuk years ago. As Minhyuk claims, he doesn't even want to know it anymore. Even if they don't know how death can change like in Heejin's case, the fact it can somehow gives Minhyuk hope he doesn't have to worry about it at all.

But it's not because of Minhyuk. Changkyun sighs. "It's hard", he admits. "I sometimes wish it was easier."

Minhyuk's expression softens. "Kihyun?", he asks and Changkyun nods. "Visions?", he asks and Changkyun nods again.

"I love him so much", he whispers, "that I'll never get used to seeing him dying. But not seeing it means never touching him again, and I'd die myself if I would have to let him go."

Minhyuk seems to think about his answer, and that fact alone tells Changkyun how serious the topic is. Whenever Minhyuk answers carefully, it's usually because he senses Changkyun is near the point of breaking. "I know I told you a lot of times before", he responds finally. "But everyone is going to die someday. And by the experiences we have made, there is no way to influence it."

"I don't want to know how someone dies if I can't change it", he whispers. "I just wish it would be different. I doesn't help. I wish I would be able to see my own death instead of his."

Minhyuk doesn't respond for quite a while. When he does, he sighs. "When I was younger, I always wished to see it instead of you. I could see how much it hurt you." He lays down his phone. "I know it doesn't help, but maybe at some point in time, it's destiny. Maybe at some point in time, someone has to die, whoever it is. You shouldn't focus on it too much."

Changkyun nods. He knows Minhyuk wants to reassure him, and it isn't his fault he has never seen someone die. Changkyun is glad Minhyuk doesn't have to go through that pain. Still, not focusing on Kihyun dying in front of his eyes is a skill he is almost sure he will never be able to develop.

"When we were little, you always asked me if I thought you would find someone to die for", Minhyuk thought out loud. "You were scared of the idea. I guess you still are."

On his way home, Changkyun has to think about Kihyun. He always thinks about him, but he prefers imagining his smile instead of blood running out of his mouth. But it isn't his decision, has never been. He tries not to think about it too much, but the picture of last night, when Kihyun hugged him in his sleep is still too present. This time, it is a shot in his chest, whoever has fired it, Changkyun doesn't know. He hasn't seen a time or an attacker, it is just a lot of blood and a lifeless Kihyun and he wants to cry.

The sun is just starting to set when he arrives at their apartment. Kihyun had to leave early for the preparation of art class this morning, so he hasn't seen him since going to bed.

"I'm back!", he yells when he closes the door behind him and goes into the kitchen. Or rather, takes two steps to the right; the apartment is so small it is basically all in one big room.

"Hey", Kihyun answers, smiling brightly as he walks up to Changkyun from the bedroom, hugging him from behind, his fingers grazing his skin. His arms fit around Changkyun's waist perfectly. "I just came home. How was your day?"

"Good." The word doesn't sound right. His voice doesn't sound right. He can't speak more than that.

"I didn't make it to the supermarket this afternoon, so I'm gonna go now, okay?", Kihyun asks as he detaches himself from Changkyun to get his jacket. "Our fridge is empty and you need something warm to eat." He knows Changkyun mostly just eats crackers when he is with Minhyuk.

Changkyun feels like breaking down. "Mhm."

Only when Kihyun has already left, he does.

Kihyun finds him half an hour later; he is laying on the floor in the kitchen, arms wrapped around his legs in an attempt to protect himself from what he has already seen. He is shaking, tears flowing down his cheeks and sobs breaking out of his chest whenever he breathes.

Kihyun lets his bags fall on the floor, falling onto his knees and pulling Changkyun into a hug. Changkyun doesn't know how to breathe anymore. His chest is on fire, and he almost screams when Kihyun touches him. He wants to get closer to him and back away at the same time, but Kihyun doesn't allow him to move. He holds him close until Changkyun's sobs get quieter. He doesn't ask what is wrong for almost an hour, as long as Changkyun needs to not have the urge to just lose conscience anymore.

Changkyun tells him a lie, he doesn't remember which one. He feels like dying; he doesn't know how to continue breathing. Kihyun doesn't know that with every touch, he stabs Changkyun into his heart again. Changkyun doesn't tell him he is seeing him die again and again. But his death doesn't change - it stays the same.

Loving Kihyun is a curse, but Changkyun doesn't know how to stop it.

He doesn't want to.

___

Changkyun is twenty-three when he discovers why he is able to see people's deaths.

The relationship between him and Kihyun has changed. He doesn't know when exactly, but he can guess it has been around last year, when Changkyun had been sure Kihyun would die. He has loved Kihyun before that, he has loved Kihyun ever since he can remember; but something even more serious has gotten a hold of him, and whenever he sees Kihyun's face when he wakes up, he can't help but feel the string tugging at his heart.

He loves his parents, he loves Minhyuk, he loves a lot of people, but he has never loved anyone as much as he loves Kihyun. Sometimes he wishes he would be as good with art as Kihyun, just to be able to show him exactly how much he feels for him. But he isn't. He is bad with art, and he is bad with words. He hopes Kihyun knows nonetheless.

Kihyun's death changes again after a few weeks, Changkyun doesn't know why, he never knows, but he cries when he wakes up and sees something else. When he was a child, he didn't want to touch anybody, and now, years later, with Kihyun in his arms, he takes every opportunity to do so. He is hopeless when it comes to Kihyun; now that he knows what is feels like to see the same picture over and over again, he holds him closer than ever before.

At least he thought he knew what it felt; that is until it happens a second time. It's a year later, and Changkyun is cooking something in their apartment, careful not to burn the whole complex down. Kihyun has been trying to teach him ever since they moved in together, and now that his exam season is slowly coming to an end, he wants to surprise him with something special.

Kihyun is twenty-four now and has dyed his hair; Changkyun still isn't used to the sight of it when he comes home, even though he has to admit Kihyun looks incredibly hot with it. They have both grown up a lot during the last years, and while Changkyun has always been close to Minhyuk he only now discovers what it feels like to know a person completely.

"You're ... cooking?", Kihyun asks with wide eyes as he takes off his coat, obviously impressed by Changkyun wearing an apron, and Changkyun has to smile. "I didn't burn anything yet." They both know that's already an achievement for Changkyun.

"You should cook more often", Kihyun says as he leans against the counter. "You look good in the kitchen."

Changkyun can't help but blush. Even after all this time, he still feels like melting beneath Kihyun's glance.

The food is almost done when it happens. It is just a split second in which Kihyun's fingers brush against his, but then, it is a flash in front of Changkyun's eyes and a already known picture for him. It is the same death he has seen when touching Kihyun a few hours ago and he knows what it means. He had just hoped to never have to go through it again.

"I need to go to the bathroom", he manages to stutter before he leaves. Only when the door is closed behind him, Kihyun probably wondering what has gotten into him, he lets himself gasp for air. His hands search for something to hold onto, but there isn't anything. There has never been.

It is a car accident. He can see another car hitting Kihyun's. A loud crash. But the worst thing is Kihyun himself; there seems to be blood everywhere, his fingers so lifeless on the steering wheel Changkyun feels like throwing up even though he hasn't even eaten yet. His face is pale, his lips a deep red.

Changkyun does throw up, the little that is in his stomach at least. Only when Kihyun knocks on the bathroom door, he manages to get a grip of himself. During the dinner, he doesn't eat much. He can tell Kihyun is worried; but it is so wrong. It is so wrong that he is worried when it is him that is going to die -

Changkyun's bottom lip begins to shiver, and so he bites down on it, hard enough to draw blood. Kihyun is telling him a story, but Changkyun doesn't know what it is about. He can only stare at his lips, his eyes that have so much life in them. Tears build up in his own eyes, but he forces them down. 

He doesn't know how to live with knowing when he will lose Kihyun. But even worse, he doesn't know how to live without Kihyun.

He had been able to see the clock in the car in his vision. He knows when it will happen. He knows that it will, and there is nothing he can do about it.

It is autumn. The weather is getting colder, but that isn't the only reason Changkyun spends his nights cuddled up so close to Kihyun he has almost no room to breathe. Whenever he kisses him, Changkyun keeps his lips against Kihyun's for just a second longer. He tries to cook for Kihyun. But there is never enough time; he just wishes for more time.

Not more time for accepting the unavoidable; because he won't. He doesn't plan on letting Kihyun die. There is no way he is letting him go. He just doesn't know how to make him stay.

He lies awake at night, when Kihyun is long asleep. Some nights, he stares at Kihyun in his sleep, but the desire to wake him up in order to just have more time is overwhelming, so he turns left and right and stares up at the ceiling. He doesn't find a solution.

Minhyuk's message comes in a few days after he has first seen the vision. It is just a short text, but it says everything Changkyun needs to know to make his heart break into two pieces.

_Our birthday; 6pm at home. Mom has already bought a ton of food. Bring Kihyun!_

Kihyun is going to die on their birthday and Changkyun knows it. He knows it with every fiber of his body, the thing he always feared the most, even before he met Kihyun. Now, five years later, the fear is more overwhelming than ever.

Changkyun doesn't know how to eat anymore. He doesn't know how to sleep or how to study. When he fails his exams, Kihyun thinks that that is the reason he cries almost every night. But Changkyun has never cared less about university - everything he cares for is Kihyun.

He doesn't tell Kihyun about Minhyuk's invitation at first, even though he knows it won't change anything. Only when Kihyun asks him about it two weeks before the date, Changkyun manages to stutter the answer. A lie won't help. There are a lot of things Changkyun doesn't know about the ability he has, but he knows for sure than trying to keep Kihyun away from the whole event won't change anything.

There are two weeks left and Changkyun has no idea what to do. He has lost weight during the last two months; Kihyun noticed yesterday when Changkyun was taking a shower, and immediately made him dinner, but Changkyun doesn't know how to tell him it won't help.

Heejin notices there is something up with him when he walks into computer class later than anyone else, falling down on his seat and buring his face in his scarf. His eyes seem red, his hands are trembling. She knows well enough something must have happened, and so she asks: "Hey, are you okay?"

Changkyun looks up. He is tired, but he couldn't sleep last night. "Yes", he manages to lie. "Why?"

"You don't look too good", she says softly, reaching out with her hand, but Changkyun pulls back. He can't - he can't see anything else anymore. If he sees another death, he feels like he's going to break into screaming, and he isn't so sure if he will be able to stop.

Changkyun just shrugs. He doesn't know what to respond. "You should go home if you aren't feeling good", Heejin tells him, voice full of worry, "I can bring you the notes, just like you did for me. You still remember, right? Three years ago? You brought me the notes for two whole months. I still have to pay you back for that."

Now Changkyun turns around; something about her words has awoken his memory. "Three years ago?", he asks and his voice is shivering.

Heejin nods. "Yeah, after ... my friend died in that accident and I stayed home for a long time. I just ... I couldn't go to university. Everything reminded me of her."

Everything comes back to Changkyun in just a second. He remembers the day Heejin walked out of class and touched his hand; he remembers the way he saw her die, the way he saw the time and date in his vision. He had been sure she would die. Of course, he had been seeing the same picture for three weeks, and when he saw time and date he had been sure it was fixed and there wasn't any way to change it.

There never was - no matter what he told the people he saw dying, no matter what he tried to stop them from doing, they always died.

Except for Heejin. She hadn't died.

But her friend had.

Changkyun doesn't know what moves in his conscience. But something shifts, and before he can control it, he has already stood up. Heejin is looking at him, surprised, but the only thing he manages to say is a goodbye as he leaves right before the teachers enters the classroom.

He is running; he doesn't know where to, but his feet lead him home. Kihyun isn't back yet, of course. He is still in class. Now that he is alone, Changkyun feels like everything is breaking down on him. He sinks down on the floor, holding his head in his hands as everything begins to make sense.

When Kihyun comes home, Changkyun is still sitting on the floor. Kihyun takes a step forward, worry spreading on his face, his features relaxing slightly when he notices Changkyun isn't crying.

"What are you doing on the floor?", he asks him, taking off his coat. Changkyun doesn't answer at first; instead, he stands up and hugs Kihyun, his arms wrapping around his waist and holding him close.

"Thinking about some things", he then answers, burying his face in Kihyun's neck. His breath is warm against his skin, his touches desperate. "Hey, what about we don't go to Minhyuk's party?"

"If you don't want to, we don't have to go", he answers. It's the truth - he doesn't care about anything else than Changkyun. "We can do something else or just stay at home."

Changkyun pulls away, his arms leaving Kihyun's sides. There is a second in which Changkyun looks at him, and then, his hand reaches up to cup his cheek. His touch is gentle as he looks at Kihyun; he raises the corners of his mouth, knowingly, but it isn't a happy smile. "No", he responds. "It's okay. I just wanted to make sure you wanted to go there."

___

Changkyun is twenty-four when he breaks Kihyun's heart.

Kihyun's smile is physically painful as he tugs on Changkyun's coat, his hand brushing Changkyun's hair out of his face. They are standing in front of Minhyuk's house, or rather the house of his parents. For Changkyun, everything feels like home; his hand is holding Kihyun's.

"You look nice", Kihyun comments. "You should wear make-up more often. Even though you're already beautiful without it."

"Don't make me blush", Changkyun slightly smiles. "Minhyuk is going to keep teasing us for the rest of the evening if he hears something like that."

"He will either way", Kihyun responds and he is right. Minhyuk hasn't changed at all. When he opens the door after they have rung the bell, his eyes light up.

"My favorite couple is here", he smiles brightly, hugging them both at the same time. "I've chosen a few slow songs, just for you." He winks and Kihyun sighs. It's always the same. Changkyun is grateful.

The crowd partly consists out of people Changkyun still knows from highschool, and partly out of students from Minhyuk's university he has never seen before. It doesn't really matter to him; he doesn't plan on speaking to anyone else than Minhyuk's parents, Minhyuk and Kihyun this evening. There is too little time on his hands.

Minhyuk's mother has prepared a lot of food, and asks him and Kihyun questions about university, at least until Minhyuk claims she shouldn't bring negative vibes to the party, and drags them away into the living room. Nonetheless, Changkyun manages to talk to her again a bit later and tells her how absolutely delicious the food is. She smiles; Changkyun wants to say more, but he doesn't know how.

"Do you want to dance?", Changkyun asks Kihyun as he notices he is observing the people dancing, and although Kihyun seems self-conscious, he nods and laughs. "Sure."

It is a fast song at first, and neither of them knows how to dance without looking like a fool, so they decide on looking like fools together. There is no one they need to pay attention to anyway, except for each other. Kihyun laughs, and it's the most beautiful sound Changkyun has ever heard. His hands that have been in Changkyun's slip out of them and around his neck as the song changes and one of the promised slow ones sets in.

"Do you remember the painting I showed you that day in the art classroom?", Kihyun asks as he lays his forehead against Changkyun's. They are moving slowly now, almost not at all.

"Of course", he responds. How could he ever forget. Kihyun smiles. "I still feel like that for you", he answers, his fingers caressing the back of Changkyun's neck. "I think I feel even more right now."

Changkyun doesn't know what to say, so he kisses him. It seems to work as an answer, at least for as long as their lips touch. When he pulls back, Kihyun's breath is hot against his lips.

They don't stay like that for too long, even though Changkyun doesn't want to let go. When the song is ending, he holds onto Kihyun as if he wishes to stop time.

"It's getting late", Kihyun says and Changkyun hums. "We should go home soon. We have to stand up tomorrow."

Changkyun shakes his head. "Wait", he begs. "Just a second longer."

They are standing in a corner of the living room, bodies melting into one; Changkyun doesn't think he has ever felt so complete before. He lets his fingers run through Kihyun's hair. He has always wondered what it feels like; now that he knows, he doesn't know how to ever be able to forget it. He doesn't know how to ever survive without touching it again.

"You're leaving already?", Minhyuk asks them when they're putting on their coats. The music is still playing in the background, and some laughters can be heard out of the kitchen.

"Unfortunately", Kihyun responds. "We have to get up early tomorrow. Changkyun has an exam and I need to prepare an exhibition."

"Did you study?", Minhyuk teases him jokingly, and Changkyun nods, smiling slightly. He didn't.

Kihyun takes the keys after having said goodbye to Minhyuk, but Changkyun stays a bit longer in front of the door; he looks at Minhyuk, whose eyes are shining in the light coming from the front porch.

"We're pretty old, aren't we?", Minhyuk asks and Changkyun has to smile. "Probably. Feels like no time has passed at all, though."

"Indeed." Minhyuk is laughing and Changkyun can't help but think of how much he adores Minhyuk.

"Hey, Minhyukkie", he smiles, "do you still remember what I always asked you when we were little? I always asked if you thought I would ever find someone to die for. I guess as a child, you think you're never going to find love."

"Of course", Minhyuk answers. "You always asked me. And I always told you you would find someone."

"I have." Changkyun tries to smile. "I have found someone."

"And I was the one who brought you two together." Minhyuk looks at him like he is being serious, but then, he laughs. "No, I'm just kidding. I always knew I had nothing to do with you two getting together. Nonetheless, I am very happy it happened like that."

"You like Kihyun, right?", Changkyun asks. He knows Minhyuk does, but somehow he wants to make sure. "You're still good friends?"

"Sure." Minhyuk looks a bit taken aback by that question for a second, but Changkyun doesn't give him the time to think about it further.

"I have to go now." His voice is trembling. He doesn't know what else to say. He never knew. Minhyuk is smiling, and so he just takes a step forward and embraces him.

He is already walking away when he remembers something; he turns around, noticing Minhyuk is still looking at him.

"Thank you", he calls out. "You always told me I wasn't driving the car, so it wasn't my fault."

"Why ... why are you talking about that now?" Minhyuk furrows his eyebrows, and Changkyun makes sure to smile wholeheartedly this time.

"Just wanted you to know", he answers, taking a step back, and then another one. "Thank you."

"No problem, darling." Minhyuk is smiling, too.

Changkyun almost sits down on the passenger seat when Minhyuk finally closes the front door behind him. But before he opens the car door, he stops. Kihyun turns his head, looking at him with a questioning glance through the window.

"Let me drive", he tells Kihyun when he opens the door. "It's snowing. You've worked the whole day on your assignment, you're really tired."

Kihyun doesn't protest. They change places. As Changkyun slips onto the driver seat, he feels the pain starting to rise in his chest. His knuckles turn white from how hard he grips the wheel.

When he starts the car, he looks over at Kihyun. "Put your seat belt on", he says, his voice gentle.

The night is dark, the sky black. Only the snowflakes that are falling down on Earth look white in the headlights, and somehow, as Changkyun throws a glance onto the clock, the pain begins to change. He turns his head, just for a quick second, and he looks at Kihyun.

Maybe at some point in time, someone has to die, whoever it is.

Minhyuk's words are more present in his mind than ever before. He probably had no idea what he really told Changkyun when he voiced them, but Changkyun is grateful for them. Without them, he might have never found a way. It were his words and Heejin's accident that made him understand.

"I have made you food", Changkyun says, and he is starting to tear up. "When you were in university this afternoon. A lot. It should be enough for a few days."

"You're adorable", Kihyun smiles next to him, his glance shifting from the window to Changkyun. "Thank you. But it is a lot of work, tell me next time, so we can cook together, okay?"

Changkyun nods. "You know, Kihyun, there is something I wanted to tell you for a very long time. I was just always afraid it would be too embarrassing to actually say it out loud."

He throws another glance at the clock. There isn't enough time. There is never enough time.

It took him some time to figure out there isn't a determined time for anyone. Death makes no sense, it never does, but for Changkyun, it is a bit clearer now. He still remembers all the nights he spent awake with Minhyuk as children, when they didn't understand how his visions worked. Why did he see them, if he couldn't change them?

A person's death wasn't changed just because Changkyun told them to not do certain things. He and Minhyuk assumed for a long time it was because of the people's own decisions, but that didn't make any sense at all. There wasn't a clear line between those two, and it was always something that bothered Changkyun.

But now he understands. Finally, he understands. It isn't anyone's choice to die. Like Minhyuk said, at some point in time, someone has to die, no matter who it is. Heejin didn't die, but her friend died. People's death doesn't change because of their decisions, but because destiny chooses, by whatever measures, to let someone else die at that point in time.

Someone has to die, no matter who it is. And it isn't anyone's choice to die, except for Changkyun's.

Kihyun is looking at him, and when Changkyun turns his head for a second, he swears he is looking at his whole universe. "You're my sun", he says, his voice trembling. "You've always been."

Kihyun doesn't answer for a second. He is just looking at him. When he does, he sounds like he doesn't know if he should cry or smile. "You remember the painting? The yellow on there? The big drop of yellow paint in the middle?" Kihyun's hand is searching for his. "I always thought I'd just be a star in the night sky around you."

His hand finds Changkyun's. Changkyun is crying. The sobs are breaking out of him and he doesn't know what to do about it. His eyes dart to the clock, and then to Kihyun.

"I hope you know how much I love you", he says. "You have put on your seat belt, right?"

I took Changkyun some time to figure out, but he knows now: It isn't a curse. It has never been a curse. It is the opposite of a curse. It is a gift. It is a gift to let him choose who he should die for.

Kihyun's hand on his is warm, as his voice trembles. "Changkyun? Why are you crying?"

Changkyun doesn't have any time to answer before the time display changes its digits and destiny grabs hold of a soul that should have been the one of Kihyun - but it isn't.

And Changkyun is okay with that.

___

Changkyun is twenty-four when he dies.

When the other car hits them, he is dead immediately.

Kihyun doesn't remember much of the crash; there isn't any memory that will ever burn itself in his memory as much as the picture in front of his eyes as he manages to open them. His hand has left Changkyun's, and when he reaches for him in panic, his skin is still warm. But then, he feels something liquid on his fingers, something hot that is slowly making it's way down his elbow, and he screams. He screams until his lungs give up and someone drags him out of the car, away from Changkyun.

Changkyun never understood why he was seeing things like these - why he was seeing people's deaths. He needed to meet Kihyun to realize that his life was never his; he always searched for someone to die for.

"Could you put this inside?", Kihyun asks. Soon, everyone else is going to show up, and he is holding onto the canvas like he is afraid it will break without him touching it.

The man in front of him looks up, at Kihyun, then at the canvas in his hands. "Inside the casket?"

Kihyun nods. He doesn't feel like he is able to talk.

He has seen Changkyun like this before, just this morning when they were still at the mortician, but nonetheless, his tears well up again.

"He was my sun", Kihyun breathes out, his voice just a whisper. He doesn't know who is talking to. He doesn't care if the man hears him. He wants the whole world to hear. Everything that is meant just for Changkyun's ears are the words he whispers at night when he falls asleep.

"I always wanted to tell him", he continues, his voice breaking. "That I noticed him even before that evening, even before we talked to each other. I was always afraid it would be embarrassing, shallow, I don't know."

It is silent for a while. Maybe the man has already left to give him some space. They're going to close the casket soon; Kihyun doesn't know if he is ready to let Changkyun go. He doesn't know if he will ever be able to do so.

"I hope there is a lot of sun where you are now", he manages to stutter. His eyes are focused on Changkyun's face, and even though he wants to touch him a last time, he doesn't - Changkyun has always disliked touches, even though he liked his.

"I hope it shines all the time."

Changkyun is twenty-four when his body dies. 

But his soul was never his to possess - it was Kihyun's.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you still enjoyed this, even if it was so sad. This story was on my mind as a vague idea in the beginning, and I am happy it turned out like this.  
> Thank you so much for reading.  
> Love,  
> Akiko
> 
> Instagram: @akiko_chaan  
> Twitter: @Akiko_chaan  
> Tumblr: @akiko-chaan  
> Wattpad: @Akiko-chaan


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